Thursday, January 21, 2010

Lost Kayak Paddle

The following is a reply to a notice reading 'Lost Kayak Paddle near Coode St Jetty, South Perth on Monday'

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From: tonysmalls@live.com.au

Unfortunately, i did not find your blue and white skee paddle. However, i have found part of a Ford Falcon car door and im sure this could be used as a substitute. Let me know.

Regards,
Tony

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Date: Thu, 31 Dec 2009 17:16:38 -0800
From: chris******@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Reply to your "Lost Kayak Paddle near Coode St Jetty, South Perth on Monday" Ad on Gumtree
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au

Are u some kind of fuckwit?

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From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Wednesday, 20 January 2010 12:59:31 PM
To: chris******@yahoo.com

Sorry about the delayed reply. I've been re-checking this email everyday in the hope that your response, being full of intelligence, would somehow alter itself to a lower level of intelligence so I can understand.

However to answer your question, no. I am not a fuckwit. Sorry to disappoint. I am in fact, world improvising champion. To achieve this title, i went through many situations, like yours, where i have to improvise and use an object in which still carries out the task just as effectively. Some bloke from Romania came in second place.

If you open your mind a little and embrace this new way of doings things, you will be back paddling your kayak in no time at all. It is the way of the future.

Regards,
Tony

Kittens


I enquired about the availability of some kittens I saw advertised....
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From: ********@hotmail.com
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au
Subject: re - kittens
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 2009 22:15:26 +1100

hi
i only have the black male and the black and white female left, i am down near bunbury so was looking to come up to perth ina couple of weeksthey will have their needles this week

cheers
johanna

___________________________________________________________________

From: tonysmalls@live.com.au
To: ********@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: re - kittens
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 2009 00:20:24 +1030

Okay, well i was kind of looking for a few more as my pets are on a very strict diet and one cat will normally do for a couple of weeks. But if there is only two left, that is fine for the time being. I will source more elsewhere. As for the needles, no need to worry. Save yourself some dollars.

Regards,
Tony B. Smalls

___________________________________________________________________

From: ********@hotmail.com
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au
Subject: RE: re - kittens
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 2009 09:37:14 +1100

hi
i am a bit confused, what do you mean one cat will do for 2 weeks, and what pets are on a strict diet? these kittens are for pets.

cheers
johanna

___________________________________________________________________

From: tonysmalls@live.com.au
To: ********@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: re - kittens
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 2009 10:29:18 +1030

Well i have a couple of snakes and I am looking at the possibility of acquiring a tiger. However, that is running into some difficulties as you could probably understand. For the snakes, one cat will normally last two weeks, meaning they wont eat again for another two weeks. Sometimes two and a half. And yes, like you say, these kittens will be for my pets.

Regards,
Tony

___________________________________________________________________

From: ********@hotmail.com
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au
Subject: RE: re - kittens
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 2009 13:33:03 +1100

hi
no worries then
unfortunately my kittens will go as pets and not as dinner pardon the pun, hope you find some more

cheers
johanna

___________________________________________________________________


From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Thursday, 31 December 2009 1:28:49 PM
To: ********@hotmail.com

Oh, so you are not willing to sell me your kittens? Please just pretend i said nothing about my other animals. I need these kittens. Please. I will pay above price. If you want i could give you a REAL animal in return?

Regards,
Tony

New Sofa



This is in reply to somebody selling a sofa....

______________________________________________________________


A Contact has been requested by:

Email Address: tonysmalls@live.com.au

User Message:


I'm very interested in your 2.5 seater couch. Dont get me wrong, theres not 2.5 people in my family, however my wife more than makes up that extra 0.5 if you know what i mean! Just one main question on the couch, has it been christened yet?


Regards,

Tony


__________________________________________________________________


From: ********@hotmail.com


Subject: 2.5 Seater Sofa

Date: Thu, 31 Dec 2009 10:51:20 +0800


Hi there Tony


The sofa is in excellent condition and as I stated in the ad, lives in a smoke and child-free home. Let me know if you require further information.


Nissan ******

__________________________________________________________________



From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Thursday, 31 December 2009 1:33:59 PM
To: ********@hotmail.com


I didnt catch your name there?


Excellent condition is great. Thats very good to know. As for a child free home, i find it particularly pleasing that you or your partner wear protection. I feel kids are just too much of a burden and refuse to impregnate my wife.


However, my question didnt get answered. Has the couch been christened yet? Im looking at buying more furniture as all the furniture in my house has been christened. I am a newlywed. Its great!


Regards,

Tony

__________________________________________________________________



From:Nissan ****** (********@hotmail.com)
Sent:Thursday, 31 December 2009 7:14:45 PM
To: Tony Smalls' (tonysmalls@live.com.au)


Hi Tony

No the sofa has not been ‘christened’.

- Nissan

Wanted: Assistant Photographers Job

This bloke put an ad out seeking an assistant photographers job. My reply....
_____________________________________________________________


From: tonysmalls@live.com.au


Hello, I am looking for someody to help me out and you seem very keen and eager to learn. I am not your 'traditional' photographer, I am in the adult industry. When you say you have previous experience, is this in the adult industry?

Please let me know if you are interested, you will not regret such a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Regards,
Tony

___________________________________________________________________

From: ********2020@hotmail.com
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au
Subject: RE: Reply to your "Wanted: Assistant Photographers Job" Ad on Gumtree
Date: Thu, 31 Dec 2009 03:27:24 +1030

Hi Tony,

As you said you are not the "traditional" photographer but i'd be definitely interested in learning more in different fields.

Just let me know what is involved,what i have to do, where I have to travel and whether its just a fixed studio or different places.

I'd be happy to meet up and chat if you like.

If you have a website please send me link so i can have a look and might give me a better idea.

regards
Mike

___________________________________________________________________
Hahah. I bet you'd like an internet site, you cheeky boy, you ;P
___________________________________________________________________


From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Thursday, 31 December 2009 10:38:39 AM
To: ********2020@hotmail.com

Mikey boy,

Quick to jump at the opportunity! Do you have previous experience in the adult industry? Because i am really looking for someone who has done it before and knows what they're doing. Knows what is involved, if you know what i mean.

I am actually a homosexual photographer and also shoot the occasional film. So basically whilst i am filming, i need somebody to be taking some snaps. I also act, so there is a chance you could also shoot a film too. There are no girls involved, strictly male presence only.

There is no fixed studio and we do most of our work friday and saturday nights at various locations.

As you could probably appreciate, there is no website as what we do is strongly frowned upon by society and, in particular, the government.

Regards,
Tony

___________________________________________________________________


From:Mike . (********2020@hotmail.com)
Sent:Thursday, 31 December 2009 8:30:28 PM
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au

Tony,

Sorry prob not the best person good luck finding someone.

Cheers

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Turtle Purchase

From: Tony Smalls [mailto:tonysmalls@live.com.au]
Sent: Tuesday, 20 October 2009 5:46 PM
To: sales
Subject: TUMSN_H_001

Hello, i like very much the idea of purchasing short neck turtle. I was just wondering how many you have in stock?


And if so, are they available in any other colour rather than the more tradtional green colour. Because i like to consider myself a bit of an 'out there' person, i cannot help but get excited over the prospect of maybe an orange or red turtle! If this is not possible, and im stuck with a green one, would any damage be done if i were to maybe spray paint them on a daily basis? Or would you not recommend this?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Tony

_________________________________________________________________


Subject: RE: TUMSN_H_001
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 2009 07:35:16 +1030
From: sales@************.com.au
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au


We have several short neck turtles for sale, but if your intention is to harm the animal by wanting to change its colour by spray painting it daily I will not sell you one as this will surely be a very cruel death.

Kind Regards,

Donna *****

Reception

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RE: TUMSN_H_001‏
From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Wednesday, 21 October 2009 10:20:00 AM
To: sales@************.com.au


When you say several, how many exactly? Because I am very interested in buying quite a few of them as they are just the most adorable little animal, arnt they?!

I apologise if it has come across that it is my intention to harm them. That is definitely not the case. So i guess the spray painting would not be recommended. That is okay. A green turtle is better than no turtle!

On your website it says they cost $85 each. I was just wondering, if i were to buy say, i dont know, work off a rough figure of 14.5, would there be any reduction in this price?

I also would like to know a rough lifespan of these animals. Because, like any parent, I do not want to lose my kids before my time is up. And yes, these turtles will be treated like my own precious offspring as i am unfortunately infertile!

Regards,
Turtle lover

__________________________________________________________________


Subject: Turtles
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:51:01 +1030
From: *****@************.com.au
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au


We have a limit of 5 Turtles per customer and seeing as we are short stocked at the moment until after xmas we are unable to offer any discount.

The short neck turtles live for 30years+ and they grow quite large (30cm Shell). They don’t stay little for long. They would be alright in an aquarium for the 1st year but would need to moved into a much larger area after that.

Kind Regards,

Donna *****

Company Director

___________________________________________________________________


From: Tony Smalls[mailto:tonysmalls@live.com.au]
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October 2009 2:53 PM
To: Donna *****
Subject: RE: Turtles


Okay. Five is good. But i want more. Are they easy enough to breed? Would you say they are a 'horny' type of animal like i hear dolphins are?

Ohhh 30years+. I think that will be perfect for me. I have quite a large aquarium, so that will be no troubles for the first year. After that, i have a pool in the backyard. Would that be sufficient enough area? Obviously i will still want to swim in the pool and everything like that. So do they require a special sort of water that is also ok for humans to swim in? Have you ever swum with turtles before? I think its definitely something i want to experience in my life.

Also, what sort of food do they eat? Would they be like my pet Black Headed Python named Tony who eats rabbits? Or do they have a different kind of diet?

Sorry about all these questions. I could google them or go on Wikipedia, but i think talking with experts directly is the best possible way to ensure my turtles live a long and fruitful life.

Regards,
Turtle Lover


_________________________________________________________________


Subject: RE: Turtles
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:42:03 +1030
From: *****@************.com.au
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au


Dear Tony,

I would suggest you purchase a book to learn about keeping turtles before purchasing any.

There is a Turtle care sheet available on our web site under care info.

Turtles only breed once a year and must be compatible, I have no idea regarding the sex life of dolphins.

An outdoor pond is an acceptable home for a turtle not a swimming pool.

Kind Regards,

Donna *****
Company Director

___________________________________________________________________


From: Tony Smalls [mailto:tonysmalls@live.com.au]
Sent: Wednesday, 21 October 2009 4:17 PM
To: Donna *****
Subject: RE: Turtles


Donna,

I'd rather purchase the turtles first and just learn as i go. This is by far the best learning way for me. Learning from mistakes is what i do best!

There is just one last question i'd like to ask and, please, dont read into it at all. But i was just wondering if turtle meat was edible and what they taste like? Because most people just explain it to be like chicken. Like everything. Surely not everything can taste like chicken! Please do not take this question the wrong way, i surely do not intend on buying them to eat. That is definitely not the case. But if they were to die before myself, i just dont like money going to waste, so want to know if this is an option or not.

Other than that, i think i know everything i need to know. I would now like to place an order for five. How do i go about doing this?

Regards,
Turtle lover

___________________________________________________________________


Subject: RE: Turtles
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:31:04 +1030
From: *****@************.com.au
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au


Hi Tony,

I will not be selling you anything.

Your questions are totally inappropriate.

Do not email again.


Kind Regards,

Donna *****
Company Director

__________________________________________________________________


RE: Turtles‏
From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Wednesday, 21 October 2009 3:40:32 PM
To: *****@************.com.au


Ok. Well im sorry you feel that way and can't help me. I will take my business elsewhere to somebody who is more understanding and willing to help me with my passion for turtles.

Regards,
Turtle lover

New Vehicle

From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Friday, 23 October 2009 5:36:24 PM
To: ***@*********nissan.com.au


Hello,

I need to buy a new car please.

Regards,

Myself

___________________________________________________________________


From: ********@*********nissan.com.au
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:36:54 +0800
Subject: Nissan


Hi Tony

Firstly I appreciate your enquiry, we do need to know what vehicle you are interested in before we can assist.

Are you local to the Dealership?

Kind regards

Tass *******

___________________________________________________________________

From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Friday, 23 October 2009 6:27:01 PM
To: ********@*********nissan.com.au


Tass,

I am not local to the dealership at present. I am currently overseas travelling across Africa and South America helping out in poverty stricken communities. I just like to do what i can to help those less fortunate. I remember a time back in May last year when I visited some remote Northen Territory communties. They live in such poverty and it amazes me this happens on our very own doorsteps. You should seriously consider taking some time off for this. It is truly a rewarding experience.

Back onto the topic, i sold my vehicle to help fund my trip. So this is why I require a new one, for when i get back next month. Now i am very specific in what i require in a vehicle so I will need you to put on your 'Mr salesman' hat (or mrs, i am unsure).

Can i rely on you for this?

Regards,

Tony B Smalls

Car Advertisement

Some woman was advertising her car.....

___________________________________________________________________

A Contact has been requested by:
Email Address: tonysmalls@live.com.au

User Message: Hi,

Just wondering if it has had a female or male driver for the majority of its life?

Regards,
Tony

___________________________________________________________________


Date: Wed, 20 Jan 2010 11:32:34 +0800
Subject: Holden Astra
From: lydia.********@gmail.com
To: tonysmalls@live.com.au

Hi There,

The car has had only 2 female drivers in its life, has not been involved in any accidents and has been very well looked after and routinely serviced.
Please let me know if you would like to view.

Thanks
Lydia

___________________________________________________________________



From:Tony Smalls (tonysmalls@live.com.au)
Sent:Wednesday, 20 January 2010 5:49:03 PM
To: lydia.********@gmail.com

Lydia, I highly doubt it when you say it has not been in any accidents when the only two drivers have been female. What a joke. Having said that, i understand that they would only be minor accidents given that females drive so slowly.

I assume you have come to your senses and now understand women belong in the house and this is why you are selling your car. For your husband/boyfriend who obviously will now be taking over all the driving duties, I have a suggestion. I am selling a 2004 5.7L Gen III HSV Maloo Ute. Theres not much more manly than this. Let me know if you are interested.

As for your car, i'd suggest the wreckers.

Regards,
Tony