Road Trip Beta

ORIGINAL AD:
I am looking for passengers for a relaxed no rush chilledout siteseeing road trip to melbourne. I have a camper that sleeps 2 coumfortbly 3 or 4 not as coumfortubly. Also tent that sleeps 3. I will take 1 to 3 people. The camper has a cooker and a small fridge. Petrol shair is a must and drive shair would be preferabul. I am looking to leave on march 6 0r 7 but I am flexable to a date after that. I am an easygoing friendly 28 year old male from England. If intrested call, email or drop in to my work which is also my home at the moment and ask for Ian. Thankyou
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Helo Ian!,

I want to ride with you on this quest. I am the most chilledout dude you will ever meet. I can drive too, so we can shair the driving and petrol costs. It is preferabul for me to leave on 6 Or 7 March too. My birthday is on the 14th. Maybe we can celebrate that together?

I am very intrested. I am a very coumfortble guy to travel with. Very experienced. Please contact me back via email.

Regards,
Tony
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From Ian to Tony Smalls:

Hey thanks for replying to my gumtree ad. If you want to come then thats cool. We should meet up first I think for a beer and just make shure we will get on I am shure we will. Where are you in perth? Ian
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From Tony Smalls to Ian:


Ian,
No worries. If you have any other ad on gumtree, ill gladly reply to that one two. Oh yay. I want to come alrihgt. Mebourn is my favourite place in the hole of Austria!

Just a beer? How a bout ate of them! Thats what I always say. But id prfer berben. Beer isnt reely for me. When you say chilledout, does it mean we have to do weeed? Coz id be fully open to that if you really want to. Never done it befor. Have u?
I am in Mt Lawley. Were are u?

From Tony
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From Ian to Tony Smalls:

Hey dude Yer I love beer, weed and Berbben so yes I will be smoking weed You dont have to but you can if you want. If it turns out to be a road trip like out of Fear and Loathing then that woulednt be a bad thing ha ha ha ha.

If you want to meet up for a few beers or berbens on sunday I am free. I am living on Ozbourn park at the moment. I am not shure where Mt Lawley is but I can find it. Just give me a cal man. Ian
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From Tony Smalls to Ian:

Ian,

Yes. Ill smoke the green stuff. I cant wait to go to la la land with you. Have you been to la la land before? Will you take me there? What is Fear and Loathing? Maybey you cood hire it out and we can have a movie night sometime. Is it scary? Im not good with scary movies. Have you seen Wolf Creek? THAT roadtrip would be fun.

Oh yeh Ozbourn Park hey? Thats close. Im currently in Gildford. But tomorrow im moving to Albany. Want 2 meete ther?

Looking forward to our trip full of cocaine and underage hookers,
Tony
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From Ian to Tony Smalls:

I think your taking the piss mate. witch one of Tods mates are you!
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From Tony Smalls to Ian:

Ian,
You must have a rather funny bunch of mates if you think this is a prank. I assure you, it is not. My name is Tony Smalls. Some call me a ninja. If we go on this roadtrip, I can help you to become something that slightly resembles a ninja.

I repeat, I do not know this 'Tod' you speak of. He sounds like a fag.

Regards,
Tony
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From Ian to Tony Smalls:

youre some kind of comedian pal! Very funny ha ha ha ha
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From Tony Smalls to Ian:

Ian,

I am very much delighted if you think I am a comedian. Its the best compliment ive had since my ex girlfriend said I have a bigger penis than the guy she was cheating on me with. He was a midget.

So when do we leave? Will you supply the ecstacy? Or will I have to supply that as well as the cocaine and underage hookers?

Regards,
Tony
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From Ian to Tony Smalls:

I am sorry mate but I am not shure if you are for real or just taking the piss what the fuck was all that ninja shit about ha ha ha ha. I am finding this very amusing eather way. Also are you taking the piss with my speeling mistakes or what! I all ways forget to use the spellchecker

Ian
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From Tony Smalls to Ian:

Ian,
I am definitely for real and I am definitely a ninja. Dont believe it? Look behind you. GONE! Gone before you could even turn your head.

So when are we going? I need to get out of this state. Urgently. Im currently out on bail and im as guilty as anything. Got caught red handed. So I need out. When can we go? Please make it as soon as possible. And no, your spelling is all absolutely correct.

Regards,
Tony
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From Tony Smalls to Ian again:

Ian,
I just had a call from my mate Davo. Hes just escaped from Casuarina Prison. Can we get going this arvo?

Regards,
Tony
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From Ian to Tony Smalls:

Yer of course we can no worrys you fucking loony!
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From Tony Smalls to Ian:

Ian,

Okay good. U got everything together? Sorry, havent had time to organise the cocaine. But u must have the weed yeh? Also, because im skipping bail, im going to be out of pocket 50 grand. Theres a pretty easy bank to hit over in Melbourne, all I need you to do is drive. Me and Davo will do all the work.

When can we meet and go? An hour?

Regards,
Tony Smalls
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From Tony Smalls to Ian:

This is constable Mark Butcher. Are you aware that you are aiding a known criminal escape the state? This is completely against Western Australian law. You show a blatant disregard to the community by putting it under such threat. If you know the whereabouts of Tony Smalls or David Swallow, contact me immediately.

Regards,
Mark Butcher
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From Ian to Tony Smalls:

Fare cop guv you caute me red handed! ha ha ha ha your a right jumbo joker you!
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From Tony Smalls to Ian:

Yo man this is davo where the fuck has Tony gone? Have you taken Tony? What the fuck are you thinking. Did you dob him into the copper? Man if you have done anything to tony ill fuck you up. Now are u gonna take us to fucking melbourne or what. i need out of here. if you dont, ill cut ya dick off muthfucka
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From Tony Smalls to Ian again:

Davo mate. Its Tony here. Calm down. I just went to the shops and thought I was being followed so I had to bail. Its okay. Ill come back in an hour.

Ian, Can we leave soon please? Or are you not upto taking us anymore? Please reply with urgency.

Regards,
Tony

Car Help

From Tony Smalls to RAC:

Hello,

My car is broken down at my house and I need somebody to come out and have a look at it. I think ive locked the keys in there.

Regards,
Tony
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From Terry to Tony Smalls:

Hi Tony

To have a patrol call out and unlock your car you will have to be a member of the RAC to arrange a call or join RAC if you are not a member the cost will be Joining fee $36 standard membership fee for 1 year and charge for 1st call $100 total cost to join if you are a no member $219

Regards
Terry *****
RAC Motoring Advice
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From Tony Smalls to Terry:

Terry,

I dont need you to call the police. No need for a patrol car. I just need somebody who works for you to come out and see what they can do. I am an RAC member, but im not too sure of my membership number. Can this be sorted out later?

How do we go about this? I need to have my car up and running again by Thursday for when I leave my house for the only time this month. I unfortunately suffer from Agoraphobia. Do you know what that is?

Regards,
Tony
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Hi Tony as I stated in my email you have to be a paid up member of RAC for us to call out if you call 131111 and supply membership number or vehicle registration No that will bring up your membership no then once confirmed a fully paid up member of RAC the operator can arrange a call out to unlock you car

Regards
Terry *****
RAC Motoring Advice

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From Tony Smalls to Terry:

Terry,

Well as my car is parked outside, I cannot get a licence plate number for you. Its parked behind a tree and cannot see it from the window. Maybe I will just have to pay the fee for a non RAC member. It even looks as though the rear left window could be open, but again, I am not sure.

Regards,
Tony
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From Terry to Tony Smalls:

Hi Tony

We only call out if you are a member if you call 13 1111 the operator could check by your name and address

Regards
Terry *****
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From Tony Smalls to Terry:

Terry,

As I have not been outside in a long while, im not entirely sure what my street number is. Is it possible to get somebody to drive around to my house to see what the number is on my letterbox? I will then have the required info to call your 13 1111 number.

Regards,
Tony
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From Courtney to Tony Smalls:

Hello Mr Smalls,

Thank you for your email, I have noticed you are emailing from UK. You have contacted RAC Western Australia. If you require assistance from RAC UK then they will have a different website and contact details.

If you are requiring assistance from RAC Western Australia, we unfortunately will not be able to check your street number for you as our patrol service will attend to assist with your vehicle but we do require the address we are attending.

Please advise if it is RACWA that you require assistance from.

Regards,
Courtney ****
Customer Relations Specialist
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From Tony Smalls to Courtney:

Courtney,

Where did Terry go? I want terry back!

It is definitely RACWA that I require assistance. I moved from the UK four years ago for reasons I would prefer not to discuss in this email. Something happened, it was a random attack, I had a baby, and well that is why I am now an Agoraphobiac. I assure you that I DO live in Western Australia.

As I have stated, I do not know my street address. Perhaps you could put me onto the phone of one of your RAC cars and I could direct them to my house?

Regards,
Tony
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Hi Tony,

Apologies, Terry is in the technical advice department so I have taken over your query as I am in the membership roadside assistance department and will be better suited to help you. I have looked in our database and am having trouble locating a current or lapsed membership for you. Can you please provide me with what you do know of your street address so I can do another search on this?

As advised by Terry, you do need to be a member of RAC for us to provide you with assistance. We can organise a membership for you of which will need to be paid in full by credit card prior to us arranging for a patrol to assist you.

Is there a telephone number we can contact you on to discuss membership options?

Regards,
Courtney ****
Customer Relations Specialist
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Court,

Am I able to be put back through to Terry? He was helping just fine. If not, then I guess you will do. He just better understands my situation.

I am also struggling to locate a current membership. I think the case may be that I was MEANT to become a member, but didnt. I honestly had every intention to. I am very apologetic about this matter. Please accept my apologies.

Now if you could please just send a vehicle out to help, Ill be sure to sign up after. It looks as though there are now a flock of birds living in my car. Last time I accidentally left an open packet of chips on the back seat, and now they are feeding from them and there is poo everywhere. I am terrified of birds. Do you think you could send somebody out to scare away the birds and clean up the chips, then maybe I will run out there and get my street name and number for you?

Regards,
Tony

Road Trip 2

ORIGINAL AD:

Hi all, we are two Hong Kong guys (19yo & 26yo) heading to Adelaide on next Tuesday, Feb 16. We are going with our lovely Apollo Wagon which are now offering 2 more seats for those who are interested in joining our adventure!

So if you are willing to share the petrol cost & happiness with us, what are you still waiting for?! We are also planning to go along with another car, bigger group means more fun!!

We will go through Busselton, Margaret River, Denmark, Albany, Esperance, Nullabor, Port Lincoln, and finally Adelaide, probably in the 10st day.

Call or text us on 0422******* (Optus)

*Actual departure day can be adjusted to suit your situation. Let's talk with us now!

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From Tony Smalls to Don:

Hello you there!!

Put me down for the ride. I want to go with you and your lovely apollo wagon. I had one once, and I made love in it numerous times.

If you would like me to come with you, I would feel honoured. Please contact me.

Regards,

Tony B. Smalls. xx

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From Don to Tony Smalls:

Hey Tony, do u have a mobile number? It would be better to contact u in that way. BTW, we have changed the departure date to 16 Feb morning, Tuesday, as requested by another car whose we are going with. Do u mind that? cheers. Don

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From Tony Smalls to Don:

Don the man,

I do not have a mobile phone. A pelican stole it a week ago in Mandurah. Pretty annoyed about that. Do you have beef with pelicans at all? Because if you do, and we see one on the way, do you think we could gang up on it? Teach it a lesson?

16 Feb in the morning couldnt be more perfect for me. Im just looking to have an absolutely fantastic time and getting CRUNK!!!! Do you drink alcohol? We are going to have the best time.

Looking forward in anticipation of a great roadtrip,

Tony Smalls

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From Don to Tony Smalls:

Hey Tony,

i feel sorry about that...my mobile number is 0422814240, just in case u wanna call me...i just got one more guy riding with us, and going to meet him at 10am next morning, at the Britannia Backpacker on William St. We are gonna talk about what to buy and what to play along the road. If u see this message, would u come too? or we will meet each other at a later time.

i am not good at alcohol, but of course i will drink with u guys along the road, when i m not driving! DON

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From Tony Smalls to Don:

Is Don. Is good,

I dont appreciate your lack of sympathy about my phone. I went into a deep depression for 3 days after and had to check myself into Greylands Mental Facility. I broke out on Thursday.

I really dont have time to meet up. I dont stay in one spot for more than 30mins. Life is hard on the run. So id prefer we just stick to email until the departure date. OOO I have a couple of requests for what to play on the road! Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus please :-). And we should buy 3 cartons of VB and just two of Emu Bitter.

Why will you not drink when you're driving? I will. I'll do it for the team!

Regards,

Tony Smalls

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From Don to Tony Smalls:

Is Tony. Is good too. i really feel sorry about that, hope this trip can help u forget that pain! Where r u staying now? i really prefer meeting in person~ hopefully tomo.? 30 mins is more than enough. we will plug our iPhone into the car, so u may play anything u want, just download into our iPhone! BTW, we will altogether have a gathering lunch on monday! Everyone must come~ Will let u know the time and place later. Looking forward to yr confirmation! Cheers.

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From Tony Smalls to Don:

Donna,

I hope it helps me forget the pain too. Im kind of all over the place now. I cant go home because the authorities are staking my place out. So just wherever really. Last night i found a hammock in somebodys backyard, so I made that my bed.

I have an ipod and id really appreciate if we play that instead. No offense, but my music is best. I also have some 'hello kitty' car seat covers we can use.

Lunch is a good idea. I havent eaten in days. The last time was when i managed to break into the back of coles supermarket and get some bananas. Why are all the best foods shaped like penises?! I would really like it if you can give me and time and place then, at the last minute, change it to something different. The men who are after me wont know how to trace us then.

Regards,

Tony B. Smalls

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